The Cloud Channels
by Guillotine Cloud
Summary: This is a grouping of all the Cloud Channel fics I've written. A lot are to come, so sit tight!
1. Cloud Channel 5

Cloud Channel 5 **__**

Cloud Channel 5

(The show starts at 7:00 on the button)

Cloud: Welcome, folks! I am Cloud Strife, your host, and these are my assistants! This is my wife, Aeris, and this is Yuffie Kisaragi!

Aeris: Hi!

Yuffie: HI!!!! I'm REALLY glad to be here! Hee hee!

Cloud: First, to the stocks!

*STOCK CHARTS*

Hair Gel: +15

Mice-B-Gone: +5

Vincent-B-Gone: +20

Killer Bees-B-Gone: -5

Cloud: Now, for weather with Fujin and Raijin!

Raijin: Thanks, ya know?

Fujin: CLEAR SKIES.

Raijin: Over the east, ya know? And it'll be movin' around, no?

Fujin: TRIP NOW.

Raijin: But, it'll rain in the west, no? And, if ya know, it'll be kinda cloudy, ya know?

Fujin: BUNDLE UP.

Raijin: So that's the weather, ya know? Over to you, no?

Cloud: Uh, thank you, Mr. New Jersey Slummer!

Raijin: Hey, I gotta lawyer, ya know? I'll bring him in, ya know?

Cloud: Ooooooookayyyyyyy………

Fujin: NOT KIDDING.

Cloud: Now, to the real deal-

Yuffie: Holyfield! C'mon, here batta batta batta, sahWING batta batta batta-OOPS! Sorry. HEH HEH!

Cloud: In today's news, a dog was rescued from a Shinra laboratory. Says owner "I should'nt have said he was a Turk! *sob*"

Aeris: Aw…….puppy! FUZZ PUPPY! FUZZ! FUZZ! FUZZ!

Yuffie: *gasp* FUZZ! FUZZ! FUZZ! FUZZ! FUZZ! FUZZ! FUZZ!

Cloud: Security!!!!!!!!

Yuffie: FUZZ! FUZZ! FUZZ! HEY! Wait! Where are you taking me? AAH! I want my mommy!!!!!!!!!! *Yuffie gets removed*

Security Guard: Hi, Cloud. My name is Biff. I wanted to say that…..I'M ON TV! HI MOM!!!!!!!!!!!HAHAHAHAHA! NEWS!!!!!!!!!!! FUZZ!!!!!!!!

Cloud: Ok, thank you, Biff, now GET THE HELL OFF STAGE!

Biff: HEH! Okay, th-th-thank y-you Mr. Strife sir! I kiss your shoes! MWA!!!!! MMM! Gotta go now! BYE BYE! *runs off stage laughing gleefully.

Cloud: What a dope! Anyway, to our next story. The hair gel "Geliomariocloudiogelio" has been recalled because it seems to cause nausea. Mario's "It's-a-me! Mario!" seems to be doing it. Researchers are looking into it.

Aeris: Cloud, I love you! Come backstage with me!

Cloud: Uh, Aeris, NOT NOW! I got a SHOW to run!

Fujin: OOH!

Raijin: Tingly, ya know? Is'nt it great, no? Like it, no? Is really fun, ya know? Ya know, it's really very-

Cloud: SHUT UP!

Fujin: MEAN.

Aeris: Hee hee. I'm glad we're married, Cloudy-poo!

Cloud: Cloudy-poo??? AARGH! My show is falling apart! Aeris, you know, this is a HUMOR fic. Read some of my other fics, there's plenty of romantic stuff there. Anyway…….CLOUDY-POO?!?!?!?!!???

Fujin: RIOT!

(and now little kids, Barney will demonstrate his-)

(AR-33 Assault Rifle! Loaded with all the-)

(The Crap-O-Matic 3000! Put in a penny, and it craps for you! Only from Stink Co.!)

Cloud: ARRGH! No! No! I wanna stay on!

Biff: I wanna be on TV!

Cloud: GET THE HELL OFF THE DAMN STAGE!!!!!!!!!

Biff: *sniff* Well, there's no need to be mean…..WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Cloud: Well, that's all for now folks! If I can maybe relocate my program to another channel, maybe I can still do this…….NO! NO! Stop, stupid programmers! They are tackling me! CENSOR THIS!!!!!! I WANT GOOD RATINGS!!!!!!! ARRRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE END…….NOT!

Robotic Voice: This is a test. This is only a test. If it were anything more, you would be notified and then run around like a rabid chicken on drugs. It is now 7:30. Thank you for watching, or as the Japanese would say, sank you!

THE END!!!!!!!!!!!!


	2. Cloud Channel 6

Cloud Channel 6 **__**

Cloud Channel 6

The sequel to the hit fic Cloud Channel 5!

****

*Before I start, I would like to give a BIG thanks to Sephirouch for inspiring me to do Cloud Channel 5, the first. Strife News at 7 gave me the ideas for that. So a BIG thanks to him. Now, on to the fic!*

(the show starts at 7:00 on the button)

Cloud: Welcome folks! I am Cloud Strife, your host, and this is the crazy Yuffie Kisaragi and my wife Aeris!

Yuffie: Hi! Fuzz!

Aeris: Hi! (giggles)

Cloud: First up is…….hmm, let's see……Ah, here we go! Weather with….uh……..Seifer and Fujin! Raijin is with his lawyer today.

Seifer: Yeh, yeh, glad to be here, and all that shi'.

Cloud: Seifer!

Seifer: Lis'n! I don' give a damn 'bout what you might think.

Cloud: SHIT! Seifer!

Seifer: Whateva'. Anyway, to the crappin' weatha'.

Fujin: EAST IS CALM.

Seifer: Yeh'! East is calm. No anythin'. Squat! Jack diddley! ******* cream cheesy!

Cloud: Get him offstage!

Biff: BYE BYE!

Seifer: Hey! Let the **** go a' me! Ya wiggly shitholes!

Biff: Hee hee!

Fujin: WEST RAIN.

Cloud: Now, let's look at the stocks!

Fujin: BYE.

*STOCK CHARTS*

Hair Gel+1234

Cloud-B-Gone+5000 Cloud: Hey! What the-

Biff Remover+3400

Cloud: Let's now go to our top story: Does cheese improve vision?

Yuffie: YES! WHOO WHOO! Here, batta batta batta saWING batta batta batta-OW!

Cloud: Ha HA! I got you with my Spine Tingling Remote-Controlled Ass Kickin' Arms Flailin' Awesome Kick-'Em-All Gotta Catch 'Em All Cheesecopter!

Aeris: BWAHAHAHA! Cheese Japanese! Japanese Chinese Cheese!

Cloud: YAHOO!

Biff: (runs on stage) Can I do a little dance?

Cloud: NO!

Biff: Oh poo! Go poo!

Cloud: GRR! 

Yuffie: Cheese….yeah!

Fujin: CHEESE GOOD.

Cloud: Um, it's 7:30. BREAK!

(and now kids, it's time for Fun With Barney!)

Barney: Super De Duper! My rocket launcher came in the mail! Super De Duper Pooper Scooper! *fires Rocket Laucher*

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoopsOOOOOOOOOOM!

Cloud: No!

*Reno appears wearing tights and long underwear with polka dots on them*

Reno: DAMMIT! I got stuck in a warp! Oh jeez….are those cameras? Am I on TV? Uh oh………AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!

Lila: Uh, Reno, hi! Uhh……

Reno: This IS'NT what y'all think it is!

Sephirouch: Right…….sure.

Me: Hey! How'd you guys get on stage?

Sephirouch: We hid in the audience.

Me: I see. Okay then…..

Fujin: END PROGRAM.

Cloud: Right! It's time to go! Bye bye all!

Vincent:………

Yuffie: Can the dots!

Vincent: &^$% you!

Yuffie: Okay, go back to dots!

Vincent:……

Yuffie: That's better!

THE END!

Oh, by the way, soon there will be an author called Sephirouch/Torture Rack Cloud Fusion. Me and my friend Sephirouch (dead giveaway) will be writing joint fics for your pleasure. But don't worry-I will still write independent fics! Also, you will see a whole flood of new fics by me and Sephirouch.


	3. Cloud Channel 7

Cloud Channel 7 **__**

Cloud Channel 7

The sequel to the wildly popular Cloud Channels 5 and 6! Sit back and enjoy!

*ON AIR*

Cloud: Hello, folks! I'm Cloud Strife, and this is my co-host and wife, Aeris Strife!

Aeris: HI!!!!!! Hee hee! Cloudy poo!

Cloud: Aeris! I-Oh, well, anyway, my shows on channels 5and 6 were taken off the air, so now I am here. Channel 7. Let's first go to Fujin and uh…Squall for the, uh, weather.

Squall: I don't care about the weather (turns to Fujin) DO YOU care about weather?

Fujin: CARE.

Squall: Bah! I don't care! I don't! I'm not doin' no weather, just leave me to acting cold and stupid-like.

Cloud: GUARDDDDDDD!!!!!!!

(Biff runs in)

Cloud: Oh no, not you!!!!!

Biff: Y-y-yes Mister Cloud sir! I kiss your feet! I kiss your…um………..kiddie velcro shoes!

Cloud: SHUT UP, BIFF! Escort Squall to the door!!!!

Biff: Oh! Y-y-yes sir! Anything you say, s-sir!

Squall: Hey! You can't do nothin'! You got diddley squat against me, you hear me!? Hey! Is that a NIGHTSTICK!??? WAAAAAAH! (runs out the back door of the studio)

Clodu: *sigh* Never ends…..Fujin, do the weather.

Fujin: OKAY. CLEAR SKIES IN EAST.

Biff: CLOUD!!!! I kiss your feet!

Cloud: GET THE HELL OFFSTAGE, YOU IDIOT!!!!!

Biff: Uh, uh, yes sir! HEE HEE! (runs offstage)

Fujin: RAIN OVER MIDWEST. SNOW IN WEST. THAT ALL. LEAVE.

Cloud: No wait! What about the extended forecasssssssst?

(Fujin walks out the back door)

Cloud: Argh, that stinks. Okay, let's do stocks. Let's see, the-

Yuffie: This is what you did the LAST two times! Do something ELSE! Bleh! Meh! Feh!

Cloud: WILL YOU CAN IT?

Yuffie: No!!!! Just do a little soft-shoe or something!

(Cloud looks at the camera)

Cloud: Uh…..what's soft-shoe?

(Everyone falls down like they do in anime)

Yuffie: Ugh……………DANCE, ya crazy ox of a mammoth colossal titan!

Cloud: NO! Such sophisticated worrrrrrrrrrds!!!!!! ARGH! Okay!

(Biff runs on stage)

Biff: Let's do the Irish Jig!

Cloud: Ok!

(Yuffie turns on the radio and……..)

Radio: **I'LL KEEP YOU BY MY SIDE WITH MY SUPERHUMAN-**

Cloud: YUFFIE!!!!!!! TURN THAT ^&&^%& MUSIC OFF!!!!!

Yuffie: Okay!

(Changes the station)

Radio: **DO YOU KNOW!!!!! WHAT IT FEELS LIKE……FOR A-**

Cloud: Yuffie!!!!!!!! TURN……IT…….OFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yuffie: OK!

(Changes the station)

Radio:** FEEEEEEEEEEELINGS….NOTHING MORE THAN…….FEEEEEEE-**

Cloud: &**^*^&^&^&&**&^ little maggot!

(Cloud charges headfirst at Yuffie, who casually steps out of the way. Cloud slams into the radio, knocking it over and breaking it, but also stopping the music.)

Cloud: OWWWWW…….

(Biff runs on stage)

Biff: Let's talk about…….MULLETS!!!!!!!!!!

Yuffie: ARGH!

(Suddenly, a gunshot is heard from the rafters. The bullet hits Biff in the leg)

Biff: OW! That hurt! Whoever shot that is a meanie! GRAZABULDA MAKOMAKO! AAAAAH! (runs offstage)

(Cloud gets up)

Cait Sith: Well, lemme show you a trick, yup yup!

Cloud: Eh, go hump a rabbit!

Cait Sith: POO YOO! By the way, my name is prounouced "Ket Shee". GOT THAT??????

(Screams of "Cayt Sihth" is heard)

Cait Sith: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! (runs offstage)

Cloud: Uh….what's that noise? (looks up)

(eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……………..*splat*)

Cloud: Uh, Tifa, is that you?

(Cloud peels the Tifa pancake off the stage)

Tifa: Uhm….yehs! Cahn you skweesh me sho I cahn be normal aghain?

Cloud: Uh, sure (squeezes Tifa)

Tifa: Ah, that's better! Soldier! (runs offstage)

Producer: Cut to commercials!

Cloud: NO! &%&&%&^^& ass…………

{Authors Note: Have you ever wondered what people do on commercials? They do things they would normally say was a bunch of rotten *^*^&. Let's observe the off air crew on air…hehehehehe!}

Cloud: (grabs a guitar) Oh gimme a home……where the buffalo roam…..

Yuffie: (smoking one of Cid's cigs) Got any threes?

Tifa: Like *^^**&^%^&^ I got threes, buffnugget.

Cid: (reading book of Manliness) Dude, what's an unidentified area?

Aeris: (giggles) Hee hee! {Okay, so Aeris is never out-of-character. Sue me. No, not literally! No! No! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!}

Red XIII: You're a *^*^^*&*. Cloud's a &*^^*&^*. Everybody's a &%%%*&. Bugenhagen can kiss my-

Barret: GIN!!!!!!!

Cait Sith: Muddavugga. You won. Now I gotta give my microphone up……well you know what? I'm NOT!!!!!! So THERE!!!!!!!

Me: Um, guys?

Cast: WHAT, ASSHOLE?????

Me: SHUT UP!!!!! I created you, you can't insult me! Anyway, just wanted to say, you guys are currently on air. We got your off camera antics ON CAMERA! MWA HA HA! I RULE! ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!!!!!!!

Cloud: Dude, we've been duped…….

Red XIII: Damn &^&*^^*^ing straight.

(Everybody looks at Red)

Red XIII: Uh…..err……..SETO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Barret: (Look at the camera) Duplicated! BOOYAKA! (metamorphs into…………………….GEODUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Cloud:: What the Holy Shit is going on?

Barret: Geodude! Dude! Dude! (turns into Barret) I just had a dream I was you, Cloud ol' foo'! And….and……..I was a bear in a marshmallow suit! OY OY OY!!!!! (runs around in circles)

Cloud: (looks at camera) Nutcase………….

Producer: Dude, let's do a murder mystery!

Cloud: DUDE!

Yuffie: DUDE!

(Vincent enters from offstage)

Vincent: Wassaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap?

(everyone looks at Vincent)

Vincent: Oh. I mean…nice to see you……………………

(Vincent stands next to Cait Sith and hands him a hat and cane. Vincent put on a hat and cane.)

Vincent:……………………………………….softshoe……

Cloud: DA DALA DEE DA DAAAAAAAAA!!!

(Vincent and Cait Sith dance offstage like Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck or like some other people that……oh, never mind……)

Cloud: Next up is…..(looks at watch)……oh fudge, we are OUT OF TIME! GOODBYE FOLKS! (everyone zooms off stage)

Producer: Uh…….Cloud? I think that was the watch I set to be five minutes ahead.

(sounds of fainting, disembowelment, and mullets being tossed. Mullets are tossed onstage by the audience)

Producer: MULLETS!!!!! (runs onstage to eat the mullet)

Cloud: /me eats a mullet! YAY!!!!!!!

(Yuffie comes out carrying a large "The End" sign.)

Yuffie: Somebody set up us the bomb!!!!

THE END! Or…….IS it………………………..

BUM BUM BUMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Cloud: Idiot, it is!

Me: Shaadap. (throws a bald turkey at Cloud)

THE END! (NOT)

Yuffie: IT'S THE END! (goes off stage and gets a huge sign) There? Oes this work???????

(The audience starts to laugh hysterically)

Yuffie: Wha? (Yuffie turns the sign around and sees that it is a picture of her picking her nose) YAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! (runs offstage)

(a curtain is dropped, and……………..)

**__**

THE END!!!!!!!!!!! (Really)

**__**


End file.
